Can I get a re-do on life? I don’t want to be depressed anymore.

I had deleted this exact blog post not too long ago, when I got into this “nobody cares, so why even have this blog?” That was obviously me at a low. But I really do want people to know my testimony. My journey so I’m reposting this, regardless if it speaks to anyone. Its how I feel and feelings are not meant to be bottled up.

I need a redo on life. The overwhelmed me needs a new start. Where can she get one? I don’t like the way she’s treating herself. I don’t like the way she’s reacting to things. I want her to see the light peaking through the darkness, but she’s too comfortable there. She’s ok in no way. But she goes through the days like dreams of horrible realities. As if she’s gonna wake up and it’ll all be different, but it won’t this is the real world. The real world hurts. The real world can feel. But she’s become numb to emotions that are happy, that are real just as real as the pain, but she won’t accept it. Cause she knows it’s not long til it’s the pain again. I wish she wasn’t so hard on herself, I wish she would see it’s not end of the world. She can’t focus anymore, she’s struggling to keep up, she’s falling off . Work isn’t easy, she’s struggling to meet her goal. Home isn’t easy, she’s struggling to do things that would come naturally, but now are just hard. She really doesn’t know what to do. She feels alone, she feels lost, she feels so much but she sometimes would rather feel nothing at all. Who does she turn to? Since she’s got a boyfriend and a family not many friends are around, she can’t always expect him to have all the answers to her cries for help. Yet another way to discourage her, just another reason causing her to hold her breath. When does it stop? She wants to be better. She wants it it just seems unattainable . Out if reach and damn near impossible, it’s just the way her mind is set up. She doesn’t know how to train her thoughts to go in another direction, a healthy one. So it continues, the anxiety, the sleepless nights, inability to focus, forgetting everything, it’s so fucked up but she feels like she can’t go to anyone, so who comes to her? Who saves her? Everyone is caught up in their own lives, they don’t always genuinely check up on those friends, or maybe they do and they lie and say everything is fine. That’s the worst part. It’s hard admitting your life o in shambles, it’s hard trying to find the right direction, obsessing over a million ways to fix it and getting no where. She would like a redo on life, she would love to become a better version of herself. How does she do that? Where does she start? Who does she turn too? #depression #anxiety #mentalillnessawarness #whereisthelight #shescryingforhelp #canyouhearher

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Watch “The Truth Is :: Damaged Goods (Part 1)” on YouTube

Let me start off by saying I always believed in God. But I would always be in and out of my faith because I would wander off and try and live my life without his direction I was on the wrong path, I felt hypocritical for even attempting to go back to church because I felt dirty and think to myself “God is mad at me” I felt as of o was disrespecting the Lord when I was going into his house and my heart was not right but deep down I wanted to be saved I wanted to feel Jesus in my soul. I wanted the blessings, but I just couldn’t get over the fact of being so embarrassed about who I was, the lifestyle I was living, and just so many things I felt I had done or situations I was in that just seemed to become an excuse as to why I couldn’t get closer to God. I started watching these series from transformation church and wow! God was speaking to me through Pastor Mike. It lit my soul I was completely mind blown and hooked. I decided no longer will I be ashamed of being who I was and my past actions will not define who I am and who I am progressing to be. I decided to give it to god. I realized that good can use me in all my brokenness he wanted me he loved me, he saved me. I’ve been binge watching all of the series they have in YouTube and it’s life changing they have an anointing that is so powerful and opening. I’m learning and my faith is growing still but I know someone else is out there feeling exactly how I felt and if I could get to them and just let them know God loves us no matter what. He died for us, for our sins, all he wants is for us to believe and have faith in him. Just thought I could potentially help someone else out.

I’ll list the series I’ve already watched Incase you get hooked like me and decide to replace being on social medias for hours into sermknithat are life changing!

1. Relationship goals

2.Grace like a Flood

3.Beyond

4.Wait til i get my money right

5.inner circle

If you have a testimony feel free to share it, we’re not perfect but we’re progressing!

BREAK.

Everything breaks ,

Whether it rips or shatters,

None of that matters.

You should put it back together

Since it was only working for you.

It was only pumping for you.

you let it break

But it was you who did it

You broke it

You stole it

Abused it

And reused it until you moved on

Onto the next break

Breaking the plates you eat from.

Until they’re so broken

You finally leave them.

Millions of peices of love given

In return a recashade of those

Peices inflict pain.

But I’m so forgiving.

I gather all of this, fix it and

Add a thicker layer to my heart.

And it will beat in light and dark.

12:07am thoughts

It’s a little past midnight right now and I’m still wired from the red bull I drank hours ago. So what comes to mind right now? First thing that comes to mind is … I don’t care how wild it gets when you’re a parent. Red bulls are no joke when they say they’ll give you wings this momma was flying today but I’m a huge lover of sleep so I’m pretty sad that I can’t fall asleep as easily as I normally do and probably shouldn’t drink red bull or a whole one at least. My kids fell asleep in the living room watching Looney toons, super old right? But my kids will sit there and watch all of it. They enjoy the kids to shows from decades ago. We’re always watching stuff like hey Arnold, rocket power, Tom and Jerry, Doug, ect… These were shows we grew up watching so o think that’s pretty awesome that my kids like to watch them still. I’m also sitting here thinking about how thankful I am to have 3 little lives who love me unconditionally, and how God is so good and I’m seeing it now more than ever. If people asked me d”o you believe in God?” I’d answer “yes” no hesitation. But as far as my faith goes it was there but it wasn’t. It took time for me to realize that I god just wanted me to let him in so he can do works on me and through me. I’ve been watching so many videos on YouTube from pastor Mike Todd who is just amazing I’m not kidding he speaks the word in ways I comprehend it as a story which it is but man you just have to watch it in order to feel it like I’m trying to explain it to you. Im thinking about how life can be so unfair at times but usually something amazing comes after all that and completely makes you question why you even questioned if you were gonna make it out alive. I’m thinking about our dog we brought home today she’s so sweet I love her already. I’m not really into dogs but she stole my heart and so I guess I am now . See how you warm up to things you’d never expect that’s life. Expect the unexpected but always keep faith. Anyway, These were just some random thoughts I was having as I sit here watching my kids sleep so peacefully. I want that sleep so bad right now. Seet dreams & Good night.